Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Lightening up :)

I have felt so dark and worried and just plain old sad, guilty and full of regret lately. Yesterday, however, I had a little bit of an epiphany......


Sure we go through tough stuff from time to time, and we fall into downward spirals of worry ( I am very guilty of this!) but when it comes down to it, it's JUST life.

As the Indigo Girls say in their song Closer to Fine, "The best thing you ever taught me, was how to take my life less seriously, it's only life after all."

I have been sad lately because I feel like I am losing my best friend and I have been worried thinking that I will never find someone like him anywhere in the world and that I am doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. For the first time in my life I have been stressed about being "alone." Up until I met Joe, I never worried about finding the person who would complete me, I was simply living life, traveling the world, running marathons, enjoying my friends and family and attempting to follow my heart. I want to get back to that.

Yesterday I had a few moments of genuine excitement about life because I realize that there is so much fun to be had out there and that this life simply cannot be taken so seriously.

It's funny what a freeing feeling it is to just laugh at your life and realize that all your worries about money, career etc just really aren't that important.

I made a yummy "Spring" Pasta dinner last night and spent the rest of the evening hanging out and laughing with Rosie, showing her my pics of food, which she thinks I am crazy for taking :).

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Happy Saturday.

Apparently Bijoux is a good long arm photographer. Who knew?!?
I love it when he lays down like this!
Waiting for someone to come home :).
Japanese Maple Leaves in the front yard.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

i'm in love....

...with the most adorable dog in the world!

His name is Bijoux and he is a Bijon Frise and such a lovebug!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Trials can make us bitter or better.

It had been a while since I cried about everything and yesterday I broke down and the tears came gushing out. I was out running some errands and the tears just started coming, so, I called my mom and she calmed me down. Thank you Mom! When I got home, Melinda gave me a big hug and sat with me while I got the rest of the tears out.
I am so lucky to have both of these women in my life. They sat and reminded me that I have so much going for me and so much to offer. Both my Mom and Melinda reminded me of the opportunity that I have to now expand my social circle in this area and also to try out new things; volunteer opportunities and exploring religion.
And so although it is still hard to get motivated or excited about things, I am determined to make the most of this tough time. There was a thought in today's devotional that I wanted to share.
"To triumph in trials we must learn stability--remain the same, continue in our commitments and walk in love. Going through hard times and continuing to be good and kind to others is a sure way to triumph in trials. If you are in a time of trials, they don't have to defeat you---let them make you stronger."
My goal this week is to make some contacts to find a volunteer opportunity. I have found several at the Stanford Hospital that interest me. One is as an Exercise Facilitator for the elderly and the other is just as an aid at home for an elderly person. I would really love to volunteer with the elderly population. I am sure old age can be lonely and trying for many people and I would love to help brighten someone's day, whether it is through helping to run errands or simply offering my company.

Here is a picture of my new room. It's actually really big so it doesn't fit in the picture, I really love it. I have a beautiful desk with bookshelves and a window that looks out on the backyard.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

a million thoughts running through my head....

I wake up a lot of mornings these days with my heart pounding and my head racing with a million little thoughts. I wish I could say they weren't about Joe and I, but they are. I had a good day on Thursday followed by a not so good day on Friday. Unfortunately, I am thinking that this up and down thing is going to stick around for a while. The mornings are okay and so are the evenings, but oddly, the middle of the afternoon like around 1-4:30, I really start to miss him and it takes all my strength not to call him (although I frequently break down).

It's been 2 months now and although he's explained to me why he no longer wants to be together, I still can't understand how someone could walk away from something that seemed so real to me.

This morning's devotional was about patience. It talked about how important it is to be patient, how so much of life is a waiting period and that it is important to be able to do this without being miserable and to also have a good attitude while we are waiting.

I am trying so hard to remember this.

"A patient man is a powerful man. He can remain calm in the storm. He has control over his mouth. His thoughts remain loving in times when people's behavior become challenging."

I am praying that I might learn to become a patient person.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

a good day.

I'm happy to say that today was a good day :).

After work a co-worker and I went to a little guitar show at the Cantor Arts Museum. Really cool setting in a courtyard at the museum, perfect weather, free snacks and a bar! I am so lucky to work at Stanford!! (The show was free for employees!)

Made a recruiting call for Suzy to a girl in San Diego that she wants---made me think maybe I should get back into coaching.

Got home around 8pm to the glorious sound of shoes squeaking on hard wood floors, basketballs bouncing and referee's whistles. I love March Madness!!! And I only had two losses in my bracket pool.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

"there are a thousand angels all around you."

One inspiring thing that I have found in the past month is that although I am miles away from my support systems at home, I have "angels all around me." My angel of the week is one of my good college friends, Darrel Frost. D-fro, as I call him stopped into th e bay area for an extended weekend and I have to say, it was just what I needed.

Here are the highlights of his visit;

1) Tour of my new stomping grounds at Stanford.
2) Lunch at Cafe Barrone's with his mom and dad.
3) The Stanford Mall to buy new sunglasses! (I was particularly excited about this :)).
4) A rainy drive through the Marina.
5) Champagne and cheese with Megan at Amelie.
6) A walk to Grace Cathedral and the Fairmont Hotel.

1) NO WORK!!!
2) Baking Brownies and Oatmeal Cookies.
3) Visiting the San Francisco Theological Society where D-fro's great grandfather was once president.
4) A game of gin rummy with Rosie
5) Piano Concert for the Gurman's.
6) Italian dinner at Bella Luna in downtown PA.

****Lots of heartfelt conversations about life and love scattered in between.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Call me an old lady....

...but I love Nat King Cole and especially this song.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Wishing for a "do over"

I woke up this morning with intense feelings of regret. I know there are quotes that say you are supposed to live your life without regret, but at this point in my life, I have to say there are days when I can't help but feel full of regret.

I have been reading a Christian daily devotional and today's topic was "Anointed to be Quiet." It talked about how important it is to think before you speak and how those who do not do this end up in disaster. I realize that this has happened to me. I often say things in moments of anger or stress that cross my mind but that I do not really mean and this is the reason that I have the sadness that I do right now.

This is something that I know I need to work on if I ever hope to find another loving relationship. I feel so guilty for the things that I have said in moments of anger and stress.

The pain that I have felt through this makes me committed to making a change in the way I think/do not think before I speak.

I am hoping tomorrow's devotional is about forgiving yourself.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

A new start?

I'm actually feeling a little bit "lighter" tonight. Sure it might be partially because I got to talk to him for a little while, but whatever the reason, it feels nice to not feel like I have 50 pound dumb bells on my shoulders at the moment.

I haven't written much about my new living situation yet but I am happy to report that it is going really well. I know it might sound slightly crazy for a 26 year old to be living with a family, but I have to say, being where I am emotionally at the moment, it has been exactly what I need.

So yes, I am living with a family, a lovely Jewish couple with a 13 year old daughter and a 16 year old son and I am really enjoying it. They have been so warm and welcoming.

My first day here--Sunday---was obviously extremely emotional, but as I walked into the doorway Sunday afternoon, I was greeted with a great bit "Welcome Home" and hugs. I spent the day unpacking with the family's company and then had a comfy Pizza dinner to end the day.

I won't get into the nitty gritty yet, but I have to say that I love the neighborhood and my new drive to work. I get to drive past the offices of Sunset Magazine and through downtown Palo Alto which is chalk full of cute coffee shops, bookstores etc. I love having a fun downtown nearby.

Although I know I would give all this up in a moment in exchange for my life in the past year and a half, I hae to say that I am excited about living in a nice community and having the opportunity to explore a new area.

I have so much more to say about life in Menlo Park with the family, and I have so many pictures of my new neighborhood that I am excited to get out and take and post, so, stay tuned, I am starting to really feel like things are looking up.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Staying Strong...

Today's simple pleasures....

1) Seeing my heart (everything...the ventricles, chambers, valves etc!!!) beating in an ultra sound.
2) Finding out that my heart (other than being emotionally broken :)) is just as healthy as it can be.
3) Impressing the cute cardiologist with my ability to get my heart rate up to 194!!!
4) Making one of my new favorite sandwiches...Roasted Red Peppers, feta cheese, onions and portobello sausage.
5) Chatting with Melinda.
6) Overhearing a family discussion about placement of computers in the house and a 13 year old's negotiating skills!
7) Listening to rain against my window.