Thursday, February 26, 2009

Feeling better :)

I'm sorry for the icky, negative post the other day, I was feeling pretty down at the moment, but it's kind of funny actually--- how the bad moments always seem to pass, even though at the moment they feel like they will last forever.

I really hate when I get too negative, I know that it's normal to feel down every now and then, but at my core I do believe that there truly is beauty all around us if we only open or eyes to it, and so I don't like it when I forget that.

Today I was once again reminded of one of the beauty of friendship.

One of my best high school friends, Christina wrote me this morning telling me that she and her husband had been talking and that they wanted to fly me out to Boise to hang out with them and two of our other F4Lies who are living in Boise.

Then at lunch today, a co-worker and I worked out together and had a great conversation. I am so grateful for her, she makes me feel understood, and it's really nice to have that at work.

In the past few weeks, my friends and family have been an amazing support for me.

My good college friend, Melissa Watson was here the weekend after everything happened, and has been a constant source of phone support over the past month. As I was looking for a place to live she was emailing me craigslist listings and was always asking about the places I was seeing.

My sister flew up after that and spent an entire weekend just hanging out and keeping me company. She's also been on the phone with me while I sobbed or just felt plain ol' crappy.

The next weekend Blair came to visit and got me out into the city and connected me with a girl we went to high school with, who I think is an absolute sweet heart and she is moving up to San Fran in March :)!

And through all of this, my mom and dad and other friends from home have been there for me, calling to check in and just listening whenever I call and need to chat.

Although this month has been one of the harder ones in my life, today as I was driving home, thinking about all the support family and friends have given me in the past month, I couldn't help feeling anything but completely lucky.

Despite the pain, I realize that I have so much to be thankful for.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

how i feel today....

so I've been having good moments lately, but some bad ones still well up inside of me and I am having one now and doing everything I can to keep from sobbing at my desk right now.

Right now I am feeling like breaking up with the person that you love more than anything in the world is even worse than losing them to death. At least when you lose someone to death, the last moments that you shared together were moments when you both loved one another. Losing someone to a break-up means that they are still around, they just don't love you anymore, and to me, right now, knowing this hurts worse than I think death would.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I am hoping and believing

I am hoping that what Kahlil Gibran says about joy and sorrow is true. That "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." (I included his poem "On Joy and Sorrow" below--it's a favorite of mine.)

I am hoping that I take from this breakup an understanding of how to better love someone.

I am believing that even though I am not perfect and have a lot of growing to do, I have a lot of love to give.


I am believing that there is a wonderful person in this world for me.


On a side note...I am think cooking and being in the kitchen is going to be one of my chosen forms of therapy as I am getting through this breakup. I am trying very hard to remember all the good things I am taking away from this relationship and there are truly a lot of good things (which probably explains why this is so hard for me :). One of them is the joy I have found in cooking. I've always liked cooking, but it was this relationship that really opened me up to just how fulfilling and fun cooking is. I don't intend to give up the good things I have found in the past 2 years for fear that they will remind me of what I had. The past 2 years have been the best of my life SO FAR (emphasis on the so far) and even though there are many moments recently when I feel like I am going back to ground zero, I intend to keep on building and growing.

Whew, I digress...I meant to just briefly tell you that I was excited about the fun I had in the kitchen today making Chocolate covered Strawberries, Chocolate Covered Oreos and a pepper, spinach and ham strata today. I haven't baked the strata yet, it has to sit over night to allow the bread to soak up the egg and milk. My boss makes incredible stratas and I have been wanting to try one ever since she made one for my Welcome breakfast back in March.

On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Today's Simple Pleasures

1) Rosemary plants
2) Animal Crackers and Chocolate Milk
3) Really great co-workers
4) Making a decision.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Remembering the good...

1) Surprise letters from friends :)
2) Mornings at the local bakery.
3) Fog on the Crystal Springs Reservoir.
4) Rays of sun shining through a group of trees.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A couple of my lifesavers :)

Jessica and Melissa, words cannot express how much you mean to me!!!

This weekend's simple pleasures

1) Rainbows on a rainy Friday evening
2) Sharing a homemade meal with my sister and 2 of her good friends.
3) Good conversation with genuine people while eating a homemade meal :).
4) Printing pictures of family and friends.
5) Rascal Flatts, "God Bless the Broken Road." and "I'm Moving on."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Determined to stay strong

If you read this you're probably either my sister, my mom or dad, maybe Mel B. or one of the F4L and so you already know that the past couple of weeks have been pretty tough for me. I won't get into the nitty gritty details at the moment, I'm not far enough away from it yet to do that on a "public" website.

I will say that I've spent a lot of time crying to myself, crying to family, and crying to friends over the past few weeks, and today was one of the first days that I didn't feel on the verge of crying for most of or all of the day. So, that's progress right? I suppose the saying that says that "Time heals," does have some truth to it, although I still feel as though I have quite a bit more time left before I am healed.

I have to say that I am so completely blessed to have the most wonderful family and a group of really great friends who have been an amazing support system over the past couple of weeks.

I take pride in being a positive person so it's been hard to feel unable to be that person for the past couple of weeks. And although I don't necessarily feel like being super positive yet, I'm going to do what Suzy used to tell us to do and at least try to "Fake it until I feel it."

In college, during my freshman year when I was really homesick and missing my home and family and friends, I started a "Simple Pleasures" list and made a point to add something to it each day. I'm not sure if I will be as dedicated as I was back then, but I'd like to start focusing on the simple pleasures that surround me everyday so that I can remember that even when things are tough, there is still so much good in the world...

Today's Simple Pleasures

1) Hearing the song "I will survive" on my drive into work today
2) Lunchtime workout with a wonderful co-worker
3) Long phone conversation with Melissa
4) Rain clouds at sunset on the drive home
5) New episodes of the office