a million thoughts running through my head....

I wake up a lot of mornings these days with my heart pounding and my head racing with a million little thoughts. I wish I could say they weren't about Joe and I, but they are. I had a good day on Thursday followed by a not so good day on Friday. Unfortunately, I am thinking that this up and down thing is going to stick around for a while. The mornings are okay and so are the evenings, but oddly, the middle of the afternoon like around 1-4:30, I really start to miss him and it takes all my strength not to call him (although I frequently break down).

It's been 2 months now and although he's explained to me why he no longer wants to be together, I still can't understand how someone could walk away from something that seemed so real to me.

This morning's devotional was about patience. It talked about how important it is to be patient, how so much of life is a waiting period and that it is important to be able to do this without being miserable and to also have a good attitude while we are waiting.

I am trying so hard to remember this.

"A patient man is a powerful man. He can remain calm in the storm. He has control over his mouth. His thoughts remain loving in times when people's behavior become challenging."

I am praying that I might learn to become a patient person.

a good day.

I'm happy to say that today was a good day :).

After work a co-worker and I went to a little guitar show at the Cantor Arts Museum. Really cool setting in a courtyard at the museum, perfect weather, free snacks and a bar! I am so lucky to work at Stanford!! (The show was free for employees!)

Made a recruiting call for Suzy to a girl in San Diego that she wants---made me think maybe I should get back into coaching.

Got home around 8pm to the glorious sound of shoes squeaking on hard wood floors, basketballs bouncing and referee's whistles. I love March Madness!!! And I only had two losses in my bracket pool.

"there are a thousand angels all around you."

One inspiring thing that I have found in the past month is that although I am miles away from my support systems at home, I have "angels all around me." My angel of the week is one of my good college friends, Darrel Frost. D-fro, as I call him stopped into th e bay area for an extended weekend and I have to say, it was just what I needed.

Here are the highlights of his visit;

Sunday
1) Tour of my new stomping grounds at Stanford.
2) Lunch at Cafe Barrone's with his mom and dad.
3) The Stanford Mall to buy new sunglasses! (I was particularly excited about this :)).
4) A rainy drive through the Marina.
5) Champagne and cheese with Megan at Amelie.
6) A walk to Grace Cathedral and the Fairmont Hotel.

Monday
1) NO WORK!!!
2) Baking Brownies and Oatmeal Cookies.
3) Visiting the San Francisco Theological Society where D-fro's great grandfather was once president.
4) A game of gin rummy with Rosie
5) Piano Concert for the Gurman's.
6) Italian dinner at Bella Luna in downtown PA.


****Lots of heartfelt conversations about life and love scattered in between.

Call me an old lady....

...but I love Nat King Cole and especially this song.

Wishing for a "do over"

I woke up this morning with intense feelings of regret. I know there are quotes that say you are supposed to live your life without regret, but at this point in my life, I have to say there are days when I can't help but feel full of regret.

I have been reading a Christian daily devotional and today's topic was "Anointed to be Quiet." It talked about how important it is to think before you speak and how those who do not do this end up in disaster. I realize that this has happened to me. I often say things in moments of anger or stress that cross my mind but that I do not really mean and this is the reason that I have the sadness that I do right now.

This is something that I know I need to work on if I ever hope to find another loving relationship. I feel so guilty for the things that I have said in moments of anger and stress.

The pain that I have felt through this makes me committed to making a change in the way I think/do not think before I speak.

I am hoping tomorrow's devotional is about forgiving yourself.

A new start?

I'm actually feeling a little bit "lighter" tonight. Sure it might be partially because I got to talk to him for a little while, but whatever the reason, it feels nice to not feel like I have 50 pound dumb bells on my shoulders at the moment.

I haven't written much about my new living situation yet but I am happy to report that it is going really well. I know it might sound slightly crazy for a 26 year old to be living with a family, but I have to say, being where I am emotionally at the moment, it has been exactly what I need.

So yes, I am living with a family, a lovely Jewish couple with a 13 year old daughter and a 16 year old son and I am really enjoying it. They have been so warm and welcoming.

My first day here--Sunday---was obviously extremely emotional, but as I walked into the doorway Sunday afternoon, I was greeted with a great bit "Welcome Home" and hugs. I spent the day unpacking with the family's company and then had a comfy Pizza dinner to end the day.

I won't get into the nitty gritty yet, but I have to say that I love the neighborhood and my new drive to work. I get to drive past the offices of Sunset Magazine and through downtown Palo Alto which is chalk full of cute coffee shops, bookstores etc. I love having a fun downtown nearby.

Although I know I would give all this up in a moment in exchange for my life in the past year and a half, I hae to say that I am excited about living in a nice community and having the opportunity to explore a new area.

I have so much more to say about life in Menlo Park with the family, and I have so many pictures of my new neighborhood that I am excited to get out and take and post, so, stay tuned, I am starting to really feel like things are looking up.

Staying Strong...

Today's simple pleasures....

1) Seeing my heart (everything...the ventricles, chambers, valves etc!!!) beating in an ultra sound.
2) Finding out that my heart (other than being emotionally broken :)) is just as healthy as it can be.
3) Impressing the cute cardiologist with my ability to get my heart rate up to 194!!!
4) Making one of my new favorite sandwiches...Roasted Red Peppers, feta cheese, onions and portobello sausage.
5) Chatting with Melinda.
6) Overhearing a family discussion about placement of computers in the house and a 13 year old's negotiating skills!
7) Listening to rain against my window.