Sunday, March 14, 2010

I am using this post to get out all the icky stuff and then move on...

I apologize to family and friends who have been hearing me vent for the past week about how life is kind of just kicking my butt right now, I haven't said much about it in the blogosphere because I typically like to reserve this space for uplifting things, but I just got home from MORE apartment searching and basketball practice and reminded myself that this blog is also a coping mechanism for me and if it is going to be that successfully, it also needs to be an authentic space -- even if that means sharing some of the tougher stuff. And to be honest, I feel like a part of my tendancy to break down and feel a bit more overwhelmed than usual lately is partially due to the fact that I have been kind of denying myself this mode of expression. Sometimes you have to go through the shitty stuff to get to the good stuff, right? So I apologize but I just need to get all the icky stuff out in writing - it helps make my heart feel less heavy. There is still of course, lots of good stuff going on so stay tuned for that at the end. (Suzy B. taught me to always "end on a make" and well, I wholeheartedly believe in this philosophy).

Okay so for the icky stuff, it's kind of in my nature to make life whirlwindy (as we all know:)) and to fill my plate up with things to do and well in the last few months life has felt a little more intense than just whirlwindy - it has felt more like a hurricane.

February, especially got a little crazy on me. Between basketball games, practices, busy transitions at work, my inflexibility on my daily workouts, yoga classes and 10 day trips to the east coast - I was leaving the house at 5:30am to get a workout in before work and then not returning home until 8 or 9 after basketball games, yoga class or errand running. I know, I know I do it to myself by chosing to be involved in all these things and so I probably have no right to complain but it's my blog so I'm going to.

By the end of my trip to DC and Florida, I was completely drained. When I got home on Sunday all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep for about 2 days, but that same day I was hit with some tough news from my lovely little second family - without going into too much detail in order to respect their privacy, let's just say that it's been more than a bit emotionally draining to seem them go through something so difficult.

With this news, I began my search for a new apartment and while the thought of having my own place is something that brings me so much joy, apartment searching and finding just the right compromise on price, location, space etc. is a tiring process and all around just kind of destabilizing.

And the next bit of news that I am going to share has been weighing especially heavy on my heart but has been hard for me to talk about out loud. It's even kind of hard for me to write, but I just can't hold onto it anymore. About a week ago, a girl from my home town was raped and murdered while going out for a run. The situation really hit home for me as it happened very close to my home and because it happened to a female runner. It's hard for me to say much more than that and it's definitely added anxiety as of late.

So call me a little over-dramatic but I definitely feel as though my faith in the universe is being put to the test right now and there are moments amidst it all when I have to admit, I have not been very graceful in dealilng with all of it (ie crying, mini tantrums and just plain ol' feeling sorry for myself when I know I still have so many things to be grateful for.) and so I apologize to anyone who has had to witness that.

I will say that I have been making very concious efforts (although not always successfully) to take deep breaths, to remind myself of the many good things in life and to just have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I have not completely lost sight of all the good things, I think I've just been so rushed and emotionally preoccupied that I have felt less able to take the time to really relish in them which I really, really miss and plan to get back to ASAP. For the time being, I think the crazy is sticking around for another couple of weeks and so thank you blogosphere for letting me get this out - I already feel a bit more mentally grounded and ready to go into another busy week.

Okay so with that, onto the good stuff. Despite the craziness that I feel like I am swirling in, I am always amazed how, without fail, when I do successfully remember to take a look around at the good stuff, I've got a lot to be grateful for;

I am so grateful for parents who I can call any time of the day and as many times as I want to re-hash all my apartment viewing thoughts- I know it's crazy - I'm 27 and I still want their opinion on my life things - but they're just a couple of smarty-kins and I value their opinion so much.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow a relationship with Joe. He has been there to listen to me cry and allowed me to just be a little grumpy this past week without making me feel judged for it. He also has this calming way about him that I feel pretty grateful to have in my life right now. I am grateful for the quality time that our relationship forces me to set aside - we got to spend a beautiful San Francisco afternoon together yesterday drinking some yummy tea at Samovar (where you should definitely go if you haven't already been) and eating some deelish sushi in the city.

I am so grateful for girls nights with Kat, Lindsey and Laura to help take my mind off of everything and lunch time walk and talks with Lindsey to help me put life back in perspective.

I am grateful for the volunteer instructors who put on a self - defense clinic that I attended yesterday at Stanford. It helped me feel proactiv and empowered in dealing with the tragedy of last week.

I am so grateful for the fearless energy that the young women I am lucky enough to coach exude. It's contagious :). I hope I have many more opportunities to work with young women on the basketball floor.

Here's to a week of deep breathing, slowing down, giving a bit more up to the universe and remembering that it's okay if I don't get out for an hour run every single day.


kat said...

keep on breathing there sarah girl! you'll figure it out and the world is a funny place. with good, comes bad and with bad, comes good. it's all for balance.

you WILL find a great place to live and if not, you'll crash at my parent's house!

and i think to myself...what a wonderful world said...

Thank you Kat! I am truly lucky to have positive people like you in my life!

Hanna's Mommy said...

I thank you for the authentic post. I wholeheartedly agree with you on the fact that sometimes you truly just need to vent, and then move on. Life can not, and will not, always be a bowl of cherries. I know that mine hasn't been lately. It's true, it's all part of that little thing called 'balance;' the ying and the yang, the ups and the downs... And can I just say how refreshing it is to know that you're not always perfect and that you too have some meltdowns?! :) And yes, it is your blog, therefore you can absolutely do and say whatever your little heart desires!

I'm sorry to hear about the tragedy of that beautiful girl. The constant news coverage is tough to see. I can most definitely see how it resonates with you.

And oh my, apartment shopping. Exciting yet stressful, there's no way around that one. I am certain you will find something that feels like home to you though. And remember, everything is temporary, even the days that don't shine bright.

Pipas para la paz said...

i love you so much sister, you are the best. and i know you will find a great place to live and that it will work out for you because you are a strong, positive person and attract that in your life. I LOVE YOU

and i think to myself...what a wonderful world said...

Sadina - The genuine tone of your writing always makes me feel so heard and understood! Thanks for the empathy and for the beautiful memory that everything is temporary :). It is very comforting to keep that in mind.

Jess - YOU my dear are the best! Thanks for the words of faith! I love you tons!

Blake Bunch said...

Oh Sarah! I have missed you!!! I am so sorry that this is a rough little season for you! Sometimes when the future is uncertain it can feel overwhelming. What is so funny about that (I have to remind myself all the time) is that the future is NEVER CERTAIN! :) I just know you will find that perfect little place to call home!! I am so sorry for what your little family away from home is going through.

That girl's murder in San Diego really shook me up too. I had to find an alternate walking course and be reminded once again that evil is lurking. Good of you to be prepared, but also proud of you for ending on a good note! Looks like you have so much in your life that is right and good!!!

Keep the posts coming!!! Since I am not really blogging anymore, it's the only way I can still chat with you!!! :)

laura said...

You are a gifted writer and an amazingly strong woman. Hang in there. I'll see you soon. Laura

Annie said...

Vent away! Do what you've gotta' do! We all need to vent sometimes!

I am sorry that you are getting your booty kicked right now. As you know, it will get better- everything will fall into place!