Thursday, November 19, 2009

A little bit of honesty sure feels good.

Just got off the phone with my dad after a much needed venting session. I love my dad, love him to pieces....I don't think I could EVER live under the same roof as him again, but man, when I've got some life issue that is really starting to drag me down, there isn't anyone in the world I would rather talk to.

I was in need of some brutal honesty today and my dad is one of those people who I know can handle my brutal honesty.

I am a positive person, if you know me, you know this. The only problem is that I often get caught up thinking that my honesty is negativity. So I think what I do is I kind of allow the guilt I feel about being negative to drive me to look to the positive, even when something is seriously wrong. I repeat to myself over and over how lucky I am to have this or that in my life and I forget that you know what, every once in a while it's okay - it's HEALTHY even to be down about something if that means that I am being honest and honoring a true feeling that exists in me.

So I've been a bit down about work lately. I feel a little bit bad even as I write this. I just got some exciting news about work, had a great talk with our Director and there are some potentially great opportunities coming up, but when it comes down to it, I am slowly, trying to allow myself to be okay with the fact that at the present moment, I am not inspired by my job.

It is by no means the people I work with or the place that I am working that make me unhappy. If you have ever talked to me about my job, you have undoubtedly heard me say that I am so grateful to be working with such great people and at such an amazing place.

But, the truth is that something is missing. I do not fault my workplace itself, it is something inside of me that is making me unhappy. Something about what I am doing is just not reaching my heart. I have been feeling bad about whole heartedly admitting this, telling myself, instead how lucky I am- but today I realized, you know what? It's okay to feel and know somewhere deep inside that I am not happy with my job. It's okay - it's good even to KNOW that what I am currently doing isn't inspiring me---it means I am alive, that I have a pulse and that I am not willing to settle, give up on or compromise whatever dreams are working their way up to the surface inside of me.

Expressing dissatisfaction doesn't take away from how grateful I am for the amazing learning experiences I have had in my job, it doesn't take away from my respect for what a unique and vibrant place I work for and it doesn't take away from my desire to do the best job I can with whatever is in front of me at the moment.

It just means that something inside of me is speaking to me, and you know what, it's okay to honor and listen to that, because ultimately, I think that it is exactly this kind of honoring and listening that is necessary, required even to help me to find work that is inspiring and that speaks to my heart and soul.

I am still young, I know. And while it would be nice to suddenly land in my dream job right now, I know that that is not necessarily a realistic thought. However, going forward, as much as possible, I want to be unafraid to allow my honest feelings to remind me not to give up on working towards finding work that satisfies my soul.

Off to brainstorm...I'm thinking health, nutrition, wellness, cooking, education, travel, photography, yah that is what is coming to me right now...now if only I could figure out how to put those all together into a job. Wish me luck :).


1 comment:

Hanna's Mommy said...

Wow! Great post as usual! I honestly couldn't agree more with you and I find it interesting that I have gone through something recently too where I felt the need to be brutally honest about some things. And it felt a bit negative to be honest and that's somewhat unlike me, but darnnit, it felt GOOD! So I get it. I get where you are coming from. And good for you for having such self-awareness! Hmm, maybe you have inspired a new blog from me! :)